Right after my Class 10 board results came out, I considered myself Invincible. Till 10 I had no dream, no aim, all I knew was that I had to do brilliant in my boards. Period.
But then I realized how good I felt when I helped people, gave them advice, offered someone a seat and thus evolved my very first dream. I realized I had only one ambition,
“Break into the top ten universities of the world for my college studies, pass out, finish my education and someday fulfill my dream of helping people by writing, social work, etc.”
Funny as it may sound never bothered about money.
But then “shit” happened.
It’s been almost two years since and boy let me tell you all nothing’s the same. In fact, these days I don’t even recognize myself. Let’s see what happened shall we?
My list of failures…
1 I believed myself invincible remember? Yet the very first jolt my ego received was when I did really bad in a mock sat test. Yet I kept proclaiming stuff like I will bang a 2400 and shit. It’s funny when I look back and realize how foolish I was.
2 I did badly in my terminals. Very bad.
3 I remember my mom taking me to a psychologist to determine my best career option. She wants me to become an engineer and she is dead set against me going abroad. My psychologist took me to a room and told me to run away from my mother. She was my anchor. She asked me to work hard for my dreams and told me that one day I will achieve great things. I got even more determined. I enrolled myself with Sports Association of India to boost up my extra curricular. Yet I left because I didn’t have time nor the energy.
4 Near the month of December I had a spat with a senior I respected and we fell out. What happened is kind of a long story but the end story is he kind of wrote a long status in Facebook and abused me and stuff. I’ve never let such stuff bother me yet, this hurt. More so because I looked up to him. I wanted to prove him and everyone else wrong. So I promised myself that I would win the year’s best athlete trophy and shut all of them up. FTR I’ve never previously won it. Ever since I participated in athletics I’ve always come second best. Always. And this year was the same. I came second again. And I was devastated.
5 By this time I’d already started retreating into this shell. I kept away from friends, hardly met anyone, you get the gist. Yet, I suddenly had an idea of a campaign called Raise a Voice. It was supposed to be a fair where people would come and donate for charity. I drew up the brochures, recruited people and my dream was almost a reality. But then my mother and a teacher mentally barricaded me, ridiculed my idea, destroyed it. I told everyone RAV has been postponed yet I knew it would never happen again. You won’t understand how bad it felt, it was almost equivalent of my baby. And the worst thing was I knew I failed because I chickened out.
6 Class 12 started. And I was denied my sports captain badge. You all have no idea how much I wanted it. It’s all I’ve been dreaming of since I joined my school team. This just crippled me more so because I deserved it. And then I heard that the senior who I had a spat with in 11? He had something to do with it. I started hating my school. I despised it. I kept missing school. I couldn’t tolerate it anymore.
7 I broke my right hand. I had to do a surgery. It cost 1.5 lakhs. I remember when I first heard the news that I was going to have a surgery I just cried.
8 I knew that my ISC dream was my only ticket to abroad. So I studied. I really did. But I did miserably again in my first terminals. And this just affected me so much I almost couldn’t start studying again. Still can’t. By this time I had failed so many times at so many things that I just didn’t believe I could ever do something worthwhile. I retreated into my shell further. By this time I hardly considered anyone my friend.
9 I left football. Since 8 it was the only constant in my life. I left it because after I returned, you know, after the surgery, I played shit. It was almost as if I had forgotten how to play. The last match I played in, was so bad that I knew I just had to quit.
Just know that tons of other stuff has happened and like I already said I’m changed. These days I keep making promises like from tomorrow I will start studying yet I just can’t. It’s almost as if I have no zeal left. None. I don’t tell people stuff because I know they won’t understand.
Then why this post?
Because in these two years, the thing which gave me solace and peace was this blog. I wrote whenever I was sad. You all have no idea how happy I was when I got my first email. It remained my only achievement when everything around me was falling apart. This post is just a confession. That I am done. I can’t write anymore. I don’t know if my blog has inspired anyone or not. I don’t know if I was able to make a difference. But know that I tried my best. None of the stuff I’ve written is a lie. It’s just the complete truth. And so here’s one truth that you must know. I don’t have enough inspiration left in me to inspire others. I am no MalalaYousafzai or Sunitha Krishnan. There is nothing inspirational about me. A person who is so dejected and broken can’t inspire others. So this post is a promise…
That I will get my life back. I will get my zeal, my inspiration back. I will change myself and achieve my dream. The day that I do, I will be back. That’s my promise to you, to my readers and to anyone who might be crazy enough to look up to me. Doesn’t matter how long it takes, but I will give my best and this post will be my constant reminder. Thank you everyone for your views, comments and emails. I will be back. Someday when I am back to my old self and I would have achieved my dreams. Thank you again.
Till then keep making a difference. The world needs you.